Key Words/Phrases And Their Real Meaning
- Zany/madcap - indescribable bore
- Screwball/goofy Comedy - it will lull you into a coma
- Colourful/self styled/ people's champion (e.g. George Best; Alex Higgins etc) - drunk, brawls with officials, chases many women, does some drugs (etc etc yawn)
- Life and soul of the party - makes you wish you had stayed at home
- Under-achieving - achieving nothing at all
- Natural Leader - bully
- Research has revealed - a modest sample has proved absolutely nothing
- Close-knit community - seriously inbred
- Diversity (as in diversity of schools) - ad hoc, ill conceived, chaotic.
- Learning Styles (kinaesthetic, auditory, visual) - load of cobblers!
- Bubbly - irritating
Umentary My Dear Watson
We have had the Rockumentary and more recently the Mockumentary. A few suggestions for more of the same kind of cack
- A study of foot odour fetishists - sockumentary
- Research into compulsive obsessiveness with punctuality - clockumentary
- Investigation into the world of the drag queen - frockumentary
- Reactions to Crimewatch and subsequent security initiatives - lockumentary
- Growth of Chinese cuisine in UK - wokumentary
- Worldwide expansion of Scottish cultural pursuits - Jockumentary
- Taking vehicles without owner's consent - twocumentary
...........and so on. if you have any more ideas please stop a complete stranger and tell them all about it.
Is 64 the new 27?
Here is a list of musicians and other well-known people who have shifted off their mortal coil at this tender age.
Waylon Jennings; Desmond Dekker; Anita Roddick; Gene Pitney;
Wilson Pickett; Long John Baldry; Johnny Paycheck;
Eugene Record (Chi-lites); Thelonious Monk; Johnny Moore (Drifters);
Floyd Cramer; Ben Webster (Duke Ellington sax); Allen Strange electro-music guru;
Ronnie Wells-Elliston a versatile jazz balladeer and educator;
Stan Getz, one of jazz's most influential musicians and explosively imaginative tenor saxophonists;
John Guerin was perhaps the most-recorded drummer in history;
Dumpy Rice (honky tonk artist);
Julie Ege - Scandinavian Actress who found fame in the sixties and seventies;
It makes you think does it not? (About what?)
10 Amazing Bores
Using 'I don't do...' inappropriately - e.g. 'I don't do Saturday mornings' when what you really mean is that you are a lazy dosser who doesn't get out of bed on Saturday mornings, which is not the same thing.
Saying 'Get a life' which usually indicates that the speaker is the kind of tedious personality who gets excited about mobile phones and that sort of crap.
Saying 'chill' when you have been involved in some Neanderthal anti-social activity and someone is quite rightly bringing it to your attention.
Football commentators who talk about 'maintaining composure on the ball' and repeatedly use words like 'scenario'. (Yawn)
Footballers who can't speak properly and say things like 'the team played brilliant today' instead of brilliantly. Use some of your cash to take lessons in basic elocution - it will help you to speak more accurate.
People who go on about 'finding themselves' which invariably means a trip to Goa to sit on a beach for 6 months - just retrace your footsteps instead.
Tedious 6 page articles in Sunday supplements written by a woman who has chosen not to have any children and how everyone in the entire world is shocked and outraged and totally despises her. Nobody cares. It's all your head - just get a life (oops).
Tedious columns by men in Sunday supplements about almost any aspect of their life which they imagine to be interesting - they drink alcohol, get angry, interact with their families: - nobody cares - just chill (aaaarghhhh)
Articles about how to scoop up cheap properties in places such as Romania - usually to be found in the same newspapers which carp on about immigrants coming to this country to steal our donkeys, eat all the royal swans etc. etc.
Programmes which eliminate contestants in order to find the new something or, indeed, other. Do not be fooled dear viewer - the process is more important than the end product. Could it be that some of the more obnoxious contestants are deliberately retained because they make good viewing?
Ten Ways To Beat The Credit Crunch - Raftery's Top Tips
Stop wasting your cash on bottled water - just buy one sturdy bottle and fill it from the tap - you will look far more sophisticated and less like a pranny.
Brew all your own beer and wine - its dead easy and will save you thousands over a lifetime.
Don't buy books new - just borrow them from other people and pass then on - it saves space. Also wait until they have been out a while a buy them from charity shops for a fraction of their original price. Then try and sell them on ebay.
Don't slavishly follow fashions - it is just a ruse to get you to squander. In fact start your own fashion. e.g Chef's workwear can be acquired very cheaply and you will be the envy of all your mates when you turn up at the pub in those loose fitting checked trousers, not to mention the large white hat.
Don't buy a house (not for a while anyway - keep waiting).
Use a landline or other people's phones to make all your calls.
If you are a bit of a bloater try eating less and save a few bob as well.
Catch and kill rabbits and grey squirrels - these make a tasty dish - you could also be the first in your 'hood to own a home made fur coat!
Do not get over concerned about 'use by' dates on food - it is usually edible long after that mysterious instruction (exactly how else might you 'use' a sandwich except for eating).
Experiment with making yourself invisible - you will then be able to get out of paying bus and train fares.