How To Succeed On The X Factor

  1. Sing 'I Will Always Love You' at every available opportunity - stretch the notes and warble a lot. Alternate with theme from Titanic as necessary.
  2. Repeatedly declare that 'this' is your only dream even if, up till now, the most you have ever done is sing in the bathroom to your toothbrush.
  3. Have a good sob-story - widowed mother, dying father, near-death experience, victim of bullying, tropical disease etc etc.
  4. Extreme lachrymosity - cry uncontrollably at every available opportunity.
  5. Say 'Please Simon' repeatedly in plaintive, self-pitying whine.
  6. If you have children anounce that you are doing 'it' all for them so that you can, presumably, 'take good care' of them (which you are supposed to be doing anyway but never mind).
  7. Be willing to exchange all dignity and self control for, at the most, a couple of hits plus a cd; then obscurity and desperate comebacks.
  8. Claim allegiance to Scotland (distant ancestry is hard to disprove) and wear a bit of tartan - partisan voting is useful.
  9. Be an underdog - low paid, ordinary, everyday bloke works well.
  10. Have lots of relatives prepared to hug each other in slow motion. At least one should wear glasses like Guinness bottle bottoms and no more than two teeth.

Remember this might get you on the telly at least - then hey and indeed presto - you are a celebrity of sorts which, lets face it, was all you really wanted in the first place otherwise you wouldn't waste your time trying to mould yourself into a performing, packaged android. Real musicians just get out there and do it because, first and foremost, they just want to make music. Be told!