Although my life amounts to little more than an inconsequential phase

I have done one or two things which will stay with me always

Some would claim the life we’ve lived is etched upon our faces

Adventures can happen quite near to home, or out in distant places

I have drunk a pint of Murphy’s Stout, out there in aul’ Cork City

I have eaten Black Forest Gateau, in the heart of Germany

I have strolled on an August evening down a Parisian Boulevard

Where a somewhat belligerent gendarme sought to mark my card

If truth be told, I will admit, I’d definitely had a few

But all I ever said to him was ‘zut alors’ and ‘sacrebleu’

Later on that very evening I devoured a plate of Apple Strudel

But I have never yet been tempted to ever try Pot Noodles

I once purchased a jacket which was of the brightest pink

I met Linda Lusardi’s cousin and gave her a knowing wink

I have ferried across the Mersey and lived to tell the tale

I only went to Birkenhead for a glass or two of ale

I took a trip to Leningrad and during my short time there

I had my photo taken in Proletarian Dictatorship Square

Ate caviar by the bucketload although I wasn’t fussed

But I washed it down with vodka and toured the city by bus

I booed Mrs Thatcher when she came up to our northern city

But she still got re-elected which I thought was a great pity

I once got chatting to a man who claimed he bred show poodles

But I have never yet been tempted to ever try Pot Noodles

I partied in Buenos Aires when a new president came to power

Dancing, drinking and flag-waving until the midnight hour

I wasn’t sure if he was quite as good as everybody claimed

But preferable to the outgoing one so far as I could ascertain

I have been upon a bonny boat across to the Isle of Skye

Which very few will do today as you can simply drive 

I have been in Yugoslavia and drunk a bottle of slivovitz

And on my way back to the hotel nearly fell into a ditch

I have eaten black pudding and hot pot in the town of Accrington

It was really quite delicious when all is said and done

I once walked down Marsh Lane, allegedly the toughest street in Bootle

But I have never yet been tempted to ever try Pot Noodles

I suppose I must just add this to the list of things I’ll never try

Like surfing, skiing, hot-air ballooning or diving from the sky

Selling up to live in a community behind protective gates

Or owning any vehicle with personalised number plates

Eating a slippery oyster or  - God forbid – a snail

joining a golf club or subscribing to the dreaded Daily Mail

Riding on a Penny-farthing with a hipster demeanour

Spending a fortune to see Barry Manilow in the famous Leeds Arena

Wild swimming in any location where I might encounter an alligator 

Enthusing about anyone who writes columns in the Spectator 

Attending a medieval banquet dressed in attire mainly feudal

Unless the only alternative was a  pot of bleedin’ noodles

Maybe I should give them a go, but I most probably won’t

There’s a voice forever in my head which keeps on saying "Don’t"