Escape to The Country

Oh no! its that point in the afternoon
Why did the morning go so soon?
Didn’t do the things you meant to do
Now there’s no time left to start anew
Forget it all make a pot of tea
Catch a bit of afternoon TV
What could be on the BBC?
None other than Escape to the Country

A pot-bellied bloke and his gushing bride
Looking for a place in which to reside
With an enormous ornate fireside
And a south-facing garden nice and wide
Aspiring couple with cash to spare
Looking for a place that’s way out there
Something different, something rare
To be found on Escape to the Country

He’s got a hobby fixing up old bangers
needs a garage the size of an aircraft hangar
She wants Ancona chickens, desires a shed
Quite fancies reclining on a four-poster bed
A walk-in-wardrobe to house their beige
Fitted by a bloke on the minimum wage
A big thatched roof would be really neat
Along with the mandatory en-suite
a luxury kitchen with a panoramic view
Lots of fields and woodlands too
Somewhere on Escape to the Country

They need a house that’s improbably huge
A place to dwell, a rural refuge
far from the madding crowds in the city
Out where the landscape is always pretty
Seeking a life that’s more exciting
he knows where the fish are biting
She’s done a masters in creative writing
needs a study with extravagant lighting
She’s planning to write some books for kids
So they’re ready to make a colossal bid
with just three quarters of a million quid
Where else but on Escape to the Country

She says they’re fond of entertaining
takes country walks when it isn’t raining
Friends and relatives will come in time
To a village devoid of any crime
The pub is handy if you fancy a jar
with cold stone floors and a brass-topped bar
exposed beams and character features
and oil-based portraits of long dead creatures
The landlord’s a landmark on the UKip trail
but nonetheless he serves craft ale
With priceless quotes from the Daily Mail
For a charge on Escape to the Country

Shropshire, Herefordshire or North Devon
Five acres of land by the river Severn
He needs somewhere to sail his boat
He’s bought a trawlerman’s oilskin coat
Someway somehow they’ll stay afloat
Keep merino sheep and angora goats
Grow carrots, turnips and organic oats
The local Tory will seek their votes
Looking for life at a slower pace
Soon to be gone without a trace
leaving behind the rodent race
Once they Escape to the Country

The presenters think they’re the bee’s knees
as they flaunt their bogus expertise
pointing out the rowan trees
While prattling on about rural cheese
or other products such as these
dangling yet another bunch of keys
Always some riveting place to go
Like the Royal Three Counties show
Always, always in the know
Escape to the Country

so off they go to contemplate
and making plans to renovate
Meanwhile I sit in a subdued state
Left to sit and remonstrate
Perhaps I overstate the matter
maybe it for folk who like a natter
Or brains now prefixed by ‘scatter’
on days when showers pitter-patter
It’s well out of order to take a swipe
picking on folk of a certain type
But afternoon telly can be utterly tripe
Especially Escape to the Country

Perhaps one day, truth to tell
Just for a change it won’t end well
Left with only their souls to sell
And heading for some rustic hell
A repellent place in which to dwell
Off to live in unsociable pain
Someplace where there’s nowt but rain
I for one would not complain
if they all fell down a massive drain
One day on Escape to the Country

Richard Raftery