Once upon a time people didn’t want to know you

If you chanced to come from the land across the sea

Signs stood in many windows, No Blacks, Dogs or Paddies

And vacancies would say, No Irish Need Apply

But that was long ago, before we hit the nineties

It was quickly cool and trendy and the very latest scene

So get a new accent boys, change your drinking habits

Everybody became Irish, every pub was turning green

Get on down to Scruffy Mick’s and put yourself about

There’ll be colleens a-plenty and a man with a banjo

Singing Saw Doctors’ songs while drinking pints of stout

There’ll be Guinness with a shamrock 

Shane McGowan on the jukebox

And plenty of craic to help you pop your cork

And if you close your eyes and imagine for a second

You could almost be in … New York

Fashions quickly change with the seasons, so I’m told

The trick is to stay one step ahead of your rivals

And the hottest of hot things will soon enough turn cold

The craze for all things Celtic gets tossed into the big skip

Long before the green paint has started to crack

Next year we will be into all things that are Russian 

So buy a big warm coat and a jolly furry hat

Then grab your Cossack sword, with a cry of na zdorovye*

Get on down to the Boris Bar and give yourself a treat

There’ll be Svetlanas a-plenty and a man with a balalaika

Playing Doctor Zhivago themes, whilst drinking vodka neat

There’ll be a state circus act

And plenty of ballet (though inevitably bland)

And if you close your eyes and imagine for a second

You could almost be in …… Dismal-land